Lower Your Standards

“Wait a minute, do you mean the first message of the new year is to lower my standards in order to get a husband?” Yes.

“I thought I saw a previous blog that said I need to have high standards, like making sure I get a husband I’m really attracted to and so on, now you’re telling me to settle?” Not exactly, hear me out on this one.

I’m going to show you how lowering your standards is not actually compromising on what you really want, but it’s changing your unrealistic expectations that don’t really matter as much as you think they do. This could be what is blocking the right man from entering your life when he could literally be right in front of you, but you can’t see him because he’s been eliminated based on your so-called “list.”

Let’s dig a little deeper. I recently saw a YouTube video with a very attractive young male and female influencers doing a collaboration video. They were on a “date” likely set up to gain more viewers on each of their channels. As soon as they met she immediately began to say the things she didn’t like about men directed towards him. “You were 30 minutes late, I can’t stand when men are not punctual.” This may be one of her deal breakers causing her to miss out on good men. Turns out, the guy was late because he was buying her a gift.

She also said, “Last time we met you said you wanted to do a coffee date but you didn’t initiate, I had to initiate it.” Another pet peeve of hers when a man does not initiate which could also be causing her to eliminate good men. Turns out, he knows she’s busy and in demand with her work and he didn’t want to be a bother to her so he let her reach out instead.

At some point during the date, he stopped and looked her right in her face and told her, “You have to lower your standards.” He was saying she was a beautiful girl and there was no reason she shouldn’t have been able to find someone by now. But by spending time with her, he was able to see why she was still single. She had the mentality that no one was good enough to be with her. He also told her that she settles with how men look and dates medium to ugly guys because it makes her feel safe that they won’t cheat on her. She couldn’t deny it.

Before I got married I had a “list” of what I was looking for in a husband. Many things were realistic but some of them were just petty. One of the “deal breakers” on my list was that I wanted someone who would not be opposed to getting premarital counseling with me. Did my husband and I get premarital counseling? No, we did not. He decided he didn’t want to, so guess what? I obliged with little effort, because I was not going to miss out on this amazing catch of a man over a premarital counseling class! Some arguments are not worth having. Ironically, I saw an old friend of mine on social media who had gotten Christian premarital counseling with her future husband and she is now divorced.

Women also have to be careful about having their standards too high in regards to how much money a man makes. A man who loves you will do what he has to do in order to take care of you and your family, even if he has to work three jobs. Also, a man can change jobs anytime and usually make more money. If your husband just has to have that doctor or lawyer six figure salary to support your expensive lifestyle, you might be waiting a very long time and the wait may never end.

Keep in mind, men who are doctors and lawyers are usually rarely home so you might find yourself married, still alone and feel like you’re a single mother after you have kids. You’ll have all the material things you could ever want, but how happy would that type of marriage be for you? You have to be sure you love the man for who he is, not what he has because that can change at any time.

You have to think about these things and sift through what matters most. Do you really require that your man drive an expensive looking car to pick you up and take you out on fancy dates? Of course it’s nice, but you have to be realistic. After you marry him, you’ll inherit about $80K in that luxury car debt, on top of thousands of dollars of his student loan debts that enabled him to afford that car; not to mention your debts as well. 

Let’s get even more realistic. Does he really need to have a college degree? That might rub some women the wrong way because of an ideal situation you’ve had in your mind. If you truly understand intellect and wisdom, it comes from God alone and a degree doesn’t always create an intellectual person. Nowadays, degrees are becoming less in demand because so much education is online and it’s free. Consider the billionaires who dropped out of college and don’t have a degree to this day. You definitely want a smart, intellectual man that has a good head on his shoulders and that isn’t necessarily attached to a college degree. You have to know when someone is your intellectual equal regardless of their formal educational background.

A great example is a dating show I saw where a man appeared to be a great catch, attractive, charming, intellectual and very articulate but most women eliminated him because he said he was a server. He stated the reason he got the job was so he can get tax free tips. In this scenario, the women should have been more strategic instead of emotional but most of them thought, “He’s just a waiter, he barely makes minimum wage, he’s broke and can’t afford me.”

If any of these women paid closer attention to how this man carried himself and how intelligent he was, they may have considered, “This guy might own that restaurant or this is his stepping stone to something greater and he’s trying to maximize his money “tax free” to get to the next level in life.” They also did not consider that if he worked at a high end restaurant with tax free tips in a wealthy area, this man could be taking home nearly six figures. The women didn’t consider the possibilities or potential, only the current circumstance. Every man who came out after this guy was not on the same level in almost every way, you can tell the ladies knew it and they all missed out.

Some of your high standards may be unrealistic and unnecessary when it comes to real life relationships and it could be hindering you from meeting someone. A true marriage isn’t all about “things”, it’s about chemistry, connection, love, commitment, attraction and devotion to making it work, and these things are intangible. Granted, you want to be financially secure in a marriage because a lack thereof can make things even harder. But, you also want to make sure you’re being realistic and not being the woman who thinks no one is good enough for her, because if that’s the case, it can definitely become your reality.

If you want to make sure you don't settle for the wrong man while waiting for the right one to come along, check out my video: Why Christian Women Settle and leave me a comment!

Finally meet and marry the man God has for you. Marriage preparation and Godly relationship advice for Christian women. Order the book here: Irresistible: The Ultimate Guide to Marriage Preparation.

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